Should we be telling girls that puberty is so hard?

Let's help girls grow up with resilience.

Puberty is hard. I hear that all the time from adults. The messaging is: “We get through it, but it’s hard”. That’s the overwhelming idea communicated from women to girls everywhere. But is it really that hard for everyone? Is it possible that this message may be amplifying fears rather than reducing them? Is the attempt to validate feelings possibly making it all worse? I believe it does. Every woman grows from a girl to a woman. Yes, it’s obviously harder for some than others, but I don’t think we should be emphasizing the pain. Sure, it’s not fun at times; there are the changes in the body, the acne, the awkward feelings, unwanted attention, and of course the dreaded period. Often it isn’t always a pleasant time, but it’s not necessarily all bad either, especially if it isn’t anticipated it to be so bad. I think we are leading some girls to believe it’s so scary that some choose to ‘opt out’, and try to be men instead, or maybe just non-binary, anything to avoid becoming a woman.

I was talking to a mother of a pubescent 11-year-old daughter who said her child was scared of puberty. I asked the mom where she got that fear from, since it wasn’t from the mom. It seems that someone planted that idea in her daughter’s head. The mom was aware of the egregious sex-ed and graphic books that are available in the California public school her child was attending. She was convinced that someone influenced her daughter and this fear did not come naturally and this is a concern.

Reminiscing a few decades ago, younger girls didn’t spend their days dreading the idea of growing up. In fact, sometimes we wanted to grow up fast. Many of us awkwardly wore our mother’s high heel shoes, stuffed our bras, longed to wear makeup to appear more grown-up, or fantasized about being cool via our fashion dolls. I remember a time when we all suffered through our awkward stages, but many of us were excited to develop and get the attention of boys. In fact, getting your period was often a bonding experience among other girls, and those who developed late were left out of the club. Adults helped us understand our bodies, but without the obsession. (although I wish I never saw the book “Our Bodies, Ourselves” or “The Joy of Sex” at such a young age)

In addition, we didn’t have instant digital cameras and selfies on social media to over-emphasize unneeded body awareness. Combine this constant feedback with online influencers and this is a recipe for self-esteem disaster. Fashion magazines and movie stars were the culprits of the past, but their accessibility and influence paled in comparison to social media of today. In addition, this was before readily available porn became available in our children’s back pockets. This over-exposure has changed the expectations of sex and sexual development for young people, both boys and girls.

Image from Planned parenthood’s social media, which is targeted to girls and young women. Despite the bright colors and simple graphics, would YOU want to become a woman after seeing this image? I’m a grown adult and it freaks me out!

I invite you to recognize that kids today are growing up at a different time and are saturated with images and messages that reinforce fears of growing up. We should influence girls to simultaneously hold onto their childhood innocence while longing to become the grown-up women they are meant to be. Let’s help our girls cope with the challenges of a changing body, changing peer groups and all of the tribulations of adolescence, while helping them build resilience. Perhaps we can give them the message that they will get through this and maybe it won’t even be *that bad*? Is that too wild?

Obviously some girls have a harder time during puberty than others for a multitude of reasons, but lets stop globalizing this negative view so the challenges of puberty do not become even more amplified. It’s our job as adults to lead our children into adulthood with strength and remind them that they can do it. Plus, despite the lies that the trans community tells, there is no way girls can opt out of becoming women. They will have to grow up eventually, and they need to know that. We as adults can not protect our children from their own bodies and we shouldn’t induce fear of their bodies either. Puberty is not a disease. We must help them understand that all of the tribulations of puberty are normal, and everyone has to go through it.

Puberty is just one of many challenges our daughters will face as human beings. If they can get through that with resilience, it will set them up to become incredible, strong women.

Pamela Garfield-Jaeger is a licensed clinical social worker in California. She completed her MSW in 1999 from New York University. She has a variety of experience in schools, group homes, hospitals and community-based organizations as a clinician and supervisor. Since getting fired for not getting the C*VID vaccine, she has dedicated herself to educate/empower parents and embolden other mental health professionals to challenge the ideological capture of her profession. She provides consultations for parents and has written a parents’ guide to mental health: www.thetruthfultherapist.org.

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