The following is from my Parent’s Guide to Mental Health. My goal is to empower parents so they do not feel intimidated by mental health ‘experts’.
There is a growing trend for child therapists to shut parents out. In some instances, this is simply due to laziness, because talking to parents is a lot more work. However, there is a push to divide children from their families. Many counselors believe that children know themselves in every context and adults should ‘let them lead’. Therapists often perceive families with traditional values as ignorant, including the beliefs that parents should be in charge and girls can not become boys. In turn, these mental health professionals push their own worldview onto their clients without consulting the family. If this approach doesn’t sit well with you, I suggest you stay diligent and be involved with your child’s counseling to ensure your values are reflected. You don’t need to be in the room for every session, but you should be in close contact with the counselor. Don’t expect any counselor to ‘fix’ your child without you. Weekly or bi-weekly check-ins are appropriate.
Side note: School counselors are especially notorious for shutting out families. This is strange for me to say, as someone who was a supervisor at school-based counseling programs for ten years, however, I would not allow my child to see a school counselor in 2023.
The long haul
It's important to remember that you are your child's parents for life. Your child's therapist and mental health team are only in their lives temporarily. An inexperienced therapist may forget about this and impose her values onto your family. The therapist may feel they ‘understand’ your child better and try to shut you out. This is no excuse. If a therapist says something of this nature when you ask to be involved, remind that therapist that you and your family is who your child will need to communicate with and live with.
History
It's impossible for a therapist to do an effective assessment on your child without talking to the family. You must be involved for the therapist to understand what they are treating. A child will not know pertinent health information from when he/she was a baby. A child is not likely to know important history about extended family or previous generations. In addition, you must continue to be involved so you can report on progress and setbacks. If a therapist doesn't want medical and historical information from you, this therapist is not doing their job effectively.
Support
It has been long understood that treating the adults in the family has a direct impact of the children in the family. However, in recent years, this idea has been less emphasized in training. Often parents hope a therapist will ‘fix’ their child. However, this is nearly impossible if a parent has stressors that are impacting the child. The family is best seen as a system and you all impact each other. If a therapist is treating a child, she is treating the family too.
Communication
Commonly, the biggest reasons for childhood struggles is parent/child communication. This is especially true with adolescents. If communication is one of the main reasons for psychological issues, it must be addressed with family therapy and/or collaboration with the parent. Without collaboration, progress is unlikely.
Whole story
I'm not sure if it is ever feasible to take a child's report on face value. The best therapeutic work requires collaboration with as many important adults in that child's life to get all sides of the story. For example, if there was a conflict at home, a therapist should talk to the adults involved to get a more well-rounded picture of what is happening, so issues can be addressed appropriately. An unskilled therapist may align with the child without getting all of the facts and reinforce problems.
Emergencies
The worst time for a therapist to first meet a parent is during a crisis. It's best that a rapport is established ahead of time so you can work together and get through the crisis as easily as possible. Without that prior relationship and trust, this makes handling a crisis much more difficult.
Values
One way to get to know a client is to get to know their families culture and values. A child may hide information or de-emphasize it. By working with you, the parents, the therapist will learn about your values and work with your family accordingly.
Connecting families
Unfortunately, too many therapists are dividing families, rather than helping them build stronger bonds. This may be intentional or unintentional. Either way, it is not quality therapy. It is the therapist's job to help strengthen your family, not divide it. This is happening in general, and more specifically, it's happening around gender issues. Ideological therapists are reinforcing the idea that a parent is a ‘bigot’ if they do not agree with affirming a new gender identity. This is not acceptable.
Insight
When a therapist talks to you, she is gathering facts and information. She is also getting to know you; your strengths, weaknesses and family dynamics. This insight is important for a therapist to to gain a better understanding of the family, and what needs to be treated.
***If your child’s therapist didn’t involve you with the assessment and continues to shut you out in treatment, this therapist is not doing his/her job appropriately.
Pamela Garfield-Jaeger is a licensed clinical social worker in California. She completed her MSW in 1999 from New York University. She has a variety of experience in schools, group homes, hospitals and community-based organizations as a clinician and supervisor. Since getting fired for not getting the C*VID vaccine, she has dedicated herself to educate parents and embolden other mental health professionals to challenge the ideological capture of her profession.
For more detailed information on how to empower yourself as a parent and navigate the mental health field, see the Parents' Guide to Mental Health.
NEW BOOK COMING SOON:
“A Practical Guide to Gender Distress, Tips and tools For Families”
I agree with you Pamela! I am a LMFT in Northern California and licensed for over 20 years. My primary work was with teens and any therapist worth their weight knows that the only way to helping teens is through the family dynamic, unless there is serious abuse or estrangement already. However, that is not common and even with the At risk teens I saw, parents desperately wanted to be involved, they just didn't know how, there is where I came in. Now, it is my hope and prayer to always bring teens and parents in the first appointment and depending on the concerns and problems, monthly and often check ins with the parents. My goal is to get the parents connected and talking with their child, not me triangulated in to alleviate the anxiety. Of course, there may be situations that are deviate from this, but I have yet to see this in my practice. Sadly, I am pained when the parents refuse to be part of the child's therapy, and I still attempt to do my part to reconnect them or one in a healthy or healthiest way possible. So grateful for your posts and you; it reminds me there are some good therapist out there not destroying the family alliance. There are many in my area who are concerning.
Hello,
Your approach is how it should be. Sadly, we hear so many horror stories of therapists who are captured by the transgender ideology that parents are the enemies. www.CardinalSupportNetwork.com is searching for therapists. If you want to be connect to families in your state, please go on the website and contact the team. (Pamela is already on the list)