The Real Reason Many Teens are Afraid to Talk to Their Parents
Hint: It's not because parents are abusers or bigots
I’ve worked for over 10 years in schools as a direct counselor and as a supervisor who consulted with therapists who were doing school counseling. These schools were in the Bay Area of California in affluent neighborhoods. Most kids seeking help were struggling with some form of depression and anxiety.
Many kids came to us for help instead of going to their parents. Why? Is it because their parents don’t love them enough? Is it because their parents won’t accept them? It is because parents are too hard on their kids? In most cases, the answer to those questions was no.
They came to an outside adult because they were afraid they were going to stress out their parents. Kids would say “My mom has enough to worry about, I don’t want her to worry about me". Many kids have the impression that their parents can’t handle their own problems, so the kids didn’t want to burden their parents more. In a sense, kids have gotten the message that they need to take care of the adults. They have somehow learned that adults are delicate and need to be protected.
Where did they get this messaging from? It’s hard to say. Some parents are stressed and their kids feel that deeply. Some parents lack boundaries and rules and this gives the child the feeling that the parent can’t handle things. Some of it comes from our culture at large. Many of the kids simply made it up in their heads.
It would have been easy for us as counselors to believe we were better than the parents. We could have thought: Of course we can help better because we are trained to deal with heavy feelings, unlike these silly parents who “don’t know anything”. However, that is never how I ran my team. We worked hard to involve parents. We did family sessions, especially when a child expressed fears of talking to their parents. Often times the child’s belief was unfounded, displaced or there were other underlying family issues that needed to be addressed. Most often the parent needed support, which in turn helped the child feel less burdened. If there were ever real concerns about abuse, we were mandated reporters and called child protective services, but this was unusual.
So as someone from the inside, I invite you to think about what subconscious messages you may be projecting. Can you make decisions? Do you follow through with your promises? Are you present? Can handle challenges? Do you have a good support system?
And: If your child is working with a counselor, do they involve you?
When kids have structure and are surrounded by adults can handle things and are a team, then they feel more secure and safe, and will more likely open up.
I’ve written a parent’s guide to mental health to empower parents. My guide gives parents the tools and language so they don’t have to feel so lost in a complicated mental health system. It helps parents understand how they can be involved in their child’s therapy. Most importantly, parents will learn what is appropriate and what are their options so they don’t have to blindly “trust the experts” when making difficult choices for their children.
Joke's on me. I sent this article to my oldest kid, my 18 year old son, the one who's not trans. I asked him if he thought I was viewed as too unstable for his sister, 16, the trans one, to confide in me. He read the subtitle and no further to deduce that my daughter's unwillingness to share her stresses with me has nothing to do with my emotional fragility (which, guilty!) and everything to do with the fact that I'm a transphobe and a bigot. His proof? I refuse to bow to the pronouns and name change, and I like Jordan Peterson. He told me he's afraid I will turn into someone he doesn't like. I am still reeling.