Listen to your gut.
If something feels wrong, don’t ignore that feeling. I’m not referring to when a therapist makes you face an uncomfortable truth. I’m talking about when a you feel a therapist is coercing you, shutting you out, pushing their values onto you, or when they are using some kind of emotional blackmail such as asking you if you would rather have a dead daughter or a live son. If you are unsure if the problem is with you or the therapist, discuss the uncomfortable dynamics you feel. This is called process-oriented therapy and a skilled therapist will be able to discuss what is happening openly with you.
Be sure you can be honest
If you can’t be honest with a therapist, then who can you be honest with? If you feel judged for things that are not relevant to your therapeutic work, such as your political affiliation, your religion, or your vaccine status, confront the therapist on why they are not behaving culturally competent. For example, you can state that you are feeling judged based on certain comments they made in session. If you are afraid to speak up, ask yourself why. Is it because of your personal shame or is it out of fear because your therapist is not accepting of your values? If it’s the latter, find a new therapist.
It’s OK to ask questions
Sometimes therapists try to sound intimidating and throw a bunch of jargon at you. Don’t be afraid to ask them to explain it further. Sadly often times they will be parroting language they have heard without even thinking it through themselves. Some mental health professionals learn ideas in university without using critical thinking. You are not less intelligent for not understanding specific jargon. In fact, in some circumstances, you may be smarter.
You can say NO
You ultimately have the final word for yourself and children. It’s easy to be persuaded and pressured by those in expert positions. They may truly have your child’s best interest at heart, but still be misguided. If you do not feel comfortable with a medication or a specific type of intervention, please stand up for what you believe. When things feel unsure, ask more questions and listen closely to the answers. Ask for specific studies and paperwork. Don’t let them state grandiose ideas without a backup up of facts. If a professional states “they say” ask who is “they”. Ask when and how. Ask about the long term data. If a recommendation goes against your soul, you can say NO.
Thomas Sowell had a beautiful quote when referring to school counselors back in 2004: “Apparently there are enough sheep-like parents these days to let ‘experts’ suffer no consequences if their bright ideas lead some young person into disaster. It is the parents who will be left to pick up the pieces.” This quote applies equally to all mental health professionals.
Remember psychiatry and counseling is a not a hard science
There are few exact right answers in mental health. There is no one-size fits all solution for anything or anyone. There are some interventions that help many people, but there are many people who benefit from other treatments. No one fully understands the brain. A good psychiatrist (those who prescribe medications) or therapist will have the humility to admit this. They will also have the knowledge and experience to make educated guesses and monitor the situation closely. You can’t expect them to know everything, but watch out if they think they do.
Be sure the therapist challenges you and your child
Your kid should enjoy time with her therapist and feel comfortable. But the therapist should not be affirming. The therapist shouldn’t affirm gender, victim status, or any unhealthy worldview. Therapy is about working with a patient to help them work towards change, build skills, connect better with the world, and make good choices. Sometimes this can be uncomfortable. If you are paying for someone to just make your child feel good and not challenge her on issues, you are wasting your $.
In addition, you need a therapist to challenge you and face uncomfortable truths. Almost every child struggling will be influenced by their parents for better or worse. This is not a way to place the blame game, but the reality is, when a family lives together, they influence each other. They need each other. When you are struggling, this impacts your children, even if you believe you are hiding it. A therapist should be working with you on all issues specific to you and your family.
Look for results
Therapy involves rapport building, processing, handling of heavy feelings, validation (now confused with affirmation, which is not therapy) which can be intangible. However, you should also be working on goals and seeing results. Sometimes things can get worse before they get better, but if you have been working with a therapist for six months or more with no visible results, this is a problem. An example of measurable progress would be more engagement in school and with friends.
Stay involved
I can’t emphasize this enough. If a child therapist says they can not talk to you (the parents) because of confidentiality, this is a huge red flag. They may not give every detail, but they should be sharing how they conceptualize your case, the treatment plan, progress, concerns and ways you can help. The therapist should also be listening to parents about their concerns, observations, history and medical information. A child/teen therapist should never take what their young patients say at face value. It is also important to note that a large part of being a child therapist is providing support to families. If a child therapist does not involve parents and caretakers, this is malpractice.
Pamela Garfield-Jaeger is a licensed clinical social worker in California. She completed her MSW in 1999 from New York University and has been licensed in California since 2005. She has a variety of experience in schools, group homes, hospitals and community-based organizations. Since getting fired for not getting the C*VID vaccine, she has dedicated herself to educate parents and embolden other mental health professionals to challenge the ideological capture of her profession. To be more empowered and learn more on how to navigate the mental health system, please see her Parents' Guide to Mental Health.
This program includes comprehensive information, videos and resources. For a sneak peek, use code FREEMONTH23.
In addition, Pamela is offering 1:1 consultations for parents who are seeking advice on how to find appropriate mental health care and advocate for their families. book a consultation here