Gratitude During the Holidays
Why do we insist on focusing so much on the negative during the holidays?
I’ll admit it. I’m guilty. I’ve always found this time of year more difficult. The days are darker. Life slows down to force us to take stock on what we don’t have and what we wish we had. Other peoples’ grass appears especially greener this time of year. I struggled during the many years I was single and wallowed in the belief that I would be single forever while my peers got engaged and started families. Plus, we often focus too much on superficial things like how we look and how big that diamond ring is, rather than on our health, safety and ability to feel joy in small things.
Many of us look around, both in real life and on social media, and feel like everyone around us is better off. Grief sets in as we miss a loved one or a something important we lost. We feel these things harder during the holidays. Many friends and acquaintances that often fill that void are busy with their own families leaving many feeling left behind. Work and structured hobbies are slower this time of year, so we don’t have the usual distractions. Pressure to buy gifts, host parties or be perfect this time of year can take a toll. There are so many reasons to feel down during the holiday season, I’m not denying it.
However, I wonder how much our culture reinforces these negative feelings. Do we assume we are going to feel sad or overwhelmed before it even starts? In an effort to be sensitive and inclusive, are we creating more depression in others? Are we dwelling on the negative and ignoring the things we could feel gratitude for? Are we ignoring all of the accomplishments we achieved this last year? Are we making choices that cause this time of year to be even harder? Have we lost all of our ability to find resilience when we know that tough feelings come and go? Do we hold guilt for feeling content while believing others aren’t feeling the same?
I think some holiday blues are manufactured and reinforced by the media. Our victim mentality can be exacerbated this time of year. What is that fine line between being sincere with resentment, genuine pain, and wallowing, to heading to the point of self-destruction? I don’t know, but I believe that sometimes we predict and telegraph our misery before it even happens.
Let’s face it, I’m still a bleeding heart mental health professional, so if you are having a tough time, I’m not going to tell you to pull yourself up from your boot straps and ignore all the struggles you might be be dealing with. Sometimes allowing yourself to feel is healing and when life slows down, it gives you that opportunity. However, I invite you to consider when you have crossed the line and become unproductively negative. (I can’t say exactly what that line is, but remember that negative feelings often build on themselves.)
Just a few questions to think about: Despite the holiday blues, when was the last time you got outside for a walk and intentionally exchanged a smile with a stranger? What are your eating and sleeping habits like and could they be improved? If you live with others, when was the last time you attempted to do something together away from screens? Have you taken a break from social media, the 24 hour news cycle and doom-scrolling? (The Libs of Tik Tok account can really wreak havoc on your perception of humanity) If your body allows, have you gotten any exercise, even if it’s light exercise? Is there an old friend or relative you could reconnect with? Can you use that down time to start a good book, journal, draw a picture, or knit a sweater? Nothing is going to be a quick, magic answer, but I invite you to try some of these ideas if you are struggling.
Despite challenges you might be facing now, what are you grateful for? Here are some more questions to consider: Are you healthy? If you have a disability, what can your body still do? Do you have stable housing? Do you live in a place where there is peace and safety? Can you afford groceries? Are you alive and breathing? Do you have your cognitive functioning? Are there people that love you? If the answer is yes to any of these, try not to forget. These are just a few things I’m personally grateful for this year.
In 2017, my life turned upside down when I started my four year odyssey of serious chronic pain with no knowledge if I would ever get better. I thought it was permanent. Doctors didn’t believe me or know what to do. My friends and family didn’t understand. I had to drop out of life and I felt like I was in a time warp during those years. It was a very painful, lonely and scary time, and holidays were tough, but I maintained my ability to be grateful. I’m doing much better now. Even after all that, I still catch myself taking my health for granted. That’s natural. However, I work hard to find gratitude for everything I have, even if I wish I had more. That’s what got me through the darkest times.
As someone who worked in mental health facilities over 20 years, I’ll say that most people aren’t hopelessly clinically depressed. They HAVE agency and can shift their mood and life for the better. I hope you believe in yourself and don’t give up before you even try. Remember, nothing lasts forever.
Pamela Garfield-Jaeger is a licensed clinical social worker in California. She completed her MSW in 1999 from New York University. She has a variety of experience in schools, group homes, hospitals and community-based organizations as a clinician and supervisor. Since getting fired for not getting the C*VID vaccine, she has dedicated herself to educate/empower parents and embolden other mental health professionals to challenge the ideological capture of her profession. She provides consultations for parents and has written a parents’ guide to mental health: www.thetruthfultherapist.org.
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