I was just interviewed on a podcast and was asked ‘What advice do I have for parents about protecting their children?” As usual, I always think of the best answers 45 minutes after the interview. (ha)
Since I didn’t get to all my thoughts in the podcast, I thought I’d share them here with you.
Note: I write this as someone who has worked in the mental health field for over 20 years, has worked a lot with teens and families, provided clinical supervision to over 100 clinicians for 10 years and as someone who is very concerned about the direction the mental health profession is going:
Never blindly trust an “expert”. If something sincerely feels wrong, goes against your values or common sense, it is likely that it is. The experts are often wrong. Sometimes this is on an individual basis and sometimes it’s groupthink. Right now therapists are being trained that they must affirm a child’s trans identity or that child will kill themselves. This is a line often given to frightened parents. It’s wrong and it’s a lie. Common sense will tell you that this is emotional blackmail. If your child is at risk of suicide, then your child should be treated for suicidality, not for gender dysphoria. There is no study that proves not affirming a person causes suicide. If a therapist ever says this to you, ask them for their sources because there are no valid studies that prove it. If you even get the study, look at it closely because it will be flawed. Remember you are the parent. No teacher, doctor or therapist will ever be as important to your child as you are.
Work your hardest to be present for your children. It sounds cliche, but a lot of issues stem from kids simply looking for attention. There are so many valid reasons why we are distracted this day and age. It’s not easy, it takes intention to be present in your life, to not overly multi-task and to set priorities. Your kids notice if you are on your phone too much and when you are distracted. This isn’t possible at all times, but it’s something to work toward and to model for your children.
Teach your kids to be critical thinkers. Arm your children with age-appropriate truth. For example, if your child asks why masks are required to walk in a restaurant, but then its fine once you sit down, acknowledge that this is a silly rule and praise them for questioning things that don’t make sense. Validate reality in an age-appropriate way. This becomes increasingly more important as language and basic truths are being assaulted.
Teach your children to say no to inappropriate things that make them uncomfortable. Empower them to stand up to people who test their boundaries. With all the signs and t-shirts that say “be kind” out there, children are getting the message to override their instincts. Help your child decipher when authority is providing helpful structure and when an adult is being inappropriate. Teach them about physical boundaries. It’s also important for them to know that they should not have to worry about the grown-up’s feelings because adults are supposed to take care of children.
Tell your kids that you can handle scary, stressful and embarrassing topics. This can be communicated both verbally and non-verbally. If you appear stressed and distracted, it leaves less of a window for a child to open up to you. In my experience, the #1 reason why teenagers said they don’t want to talk to their parents is because they don’t want to burden them. They felt their parents had too much on their plate already. Many children have learned to take care of adults and the parents didn’t realize that they were projecting that message. Make sure your children know that you are a strong adult that can handle challenges.
Remember that you can’t protect children from all pain. It’s a parent’s instinct to shield children from their pain and suffering. However, some struggles are important for healthy development and for building resilience. For example; Teach your child how to lose gracefully. Teach your child that they may not get the best grade despite the effort. Teach your child to bounce back from a rejection. It’s ok to feel bad, but its also part of the human experience and it will prepare them for future challenges. (This is why participation trophies have been a detriment to child development) It’s also important to teach your child that its normal to feel uncomfortable in a changing body.
Your child’s happiness should not be the ultimate goal. This can sound harsh, but I believe this for two reasons; first, prioritizing happiness often sets a child up to feel like a failure during times they aren’t happy. For example, I met many depressed teens whose symptoms were compounded because they believed they were disappointing their parents who set this expectation. In addition, the job of a parent is to create a well-rounded resilient individual that can navigate life. This can bring fulfillment and happy times, but consistent happiness is unrealistic.
Find other adults to support you. If you are going through a divorce or a stressful time, remember to seek out other adult support. That could be a friend, support group, church, or counselor. But don’t underestimate your needs so you don’t accidentally lean on your children for support. Also, if you believe you are hiding your stress from your child, you are most likely mistaken. Kids know. They feel it.
Don’t be afraid to say no. As our culture swings so far to the side of “the child knows best’, some parents fear they are being too strict and struggle with saying no. Children need to know you have command. This can look different in a variety of cultures, however, generally speaking, consistent rules and structure are important.
If your child is in therapy, stay involved. You can be involved in several ways, including weekly phone calls or monthly family therapy sessions. The way you can be involved depends on the individual case. However, you should be able to communicate your concerns and the therapist should be telling you their impressions. Also, you should know what the treatment goals are and what progress is made. If a therapist is shutting you out and doesn’t want to speak with you, fire them. A therapist should always want to speak with you because that is a large part of their assessment process and it helps give a clearer picture of what is happening with your child. Also, any good child therapist knows that supporting parents usually has a direct impact on the child’s progress.
If your family needs a therapist, don’t give up. It’s true, there are a lot of inexperienced therapists or those who are captured by ideology, but there are many who are ethical and highly skilled and will respect your values. It will take time and patience to find someone. For more information on how to find a good therapist, please see my Parents' Guide to Mental Health. I include tips, information and resources to help you find someone in your area.
Pamela Garfield-Jaeger is a licensed clinical social worker in California. She completed her MSW in 1999 from New York University. She has a variety of experience in schools, group homes, hospitals and community-based organizations. Since getting fired for not getting the C*VID vaccine, she has dedicated herself to educate parents and embolden other mental health professionals to challenge the ideological capture of her profession.
For more detailed information on how to empower yourself as a parent and navigate the mental health field, see the Parents' Guide to Mental Health.
Amazing. I love this. Thank you so much.
Excellent, empowering advice! Thank you for sharing.